Penning Your Destiny

Earthschool Harmony

“You must have control of the authorship of your own destiny. The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand.”  ~ Irene C Kassorla

For those who have no idea what that brassy-looking thing is in the picture, it’s an old-style fountain pen once used to ink all manner of documents prior to ballpoints, felt-tip markers, and way prior to computer keyboards (look it up online).  

Depending on the width of the nib end point, you can still use them for fancy handwriting or for artful calligraphy, but in today’s world, it’s an old-timey reference, as is the quote mentioned above.

But that’s good.

Old-timey references still do apply to our current lives. In fact, sometimes we need an old-timey reference to make better sense of our present situation because not only do we often TELL our own stories to anyone who will listen, we often write or compose them before we can TELL them—we create the setting in which we live, we define the characters of our life, and we determine the drama that ensues because of those self-defined interactions.

In fact for each of us, every one of our lives is a major production in the making; or let’s say that they CAN BE major productions, depending on how you view and treat your life. Are you personally in charge of this “MY LIFE” multimedia extravaganza, or did you sub-contract that effort out to others long ago?

Sometimes we are the direct authors of our own destinies, but other times, whether intentionally or inadvertently, we allow others to write our life story for us. When that happens in effect we have willingly turned the power to control our own lives over to them.

So as the Kassorla quote accurately proclaims “You must have control of the authorship of your own destiny. The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand.” 

Don’t give up to others the power to direct your own life in whatever direction that you choose. Use that old-timey fountain pen above to write your personal story in bold, broad strokes—mastering your own calligraphy—your own style of execution—clearly defining the personal message that you alone offer to the world.

Just make sure that YOU are the one holding the calligraphy pen that writes the story of your life. Then you will have no reason to credit or blame others for your future successes or failures.  

The Invisible WEB OF LIFE

A couple posts ago I mentioned that we tended to see what we wanted to see, and that how we perceive the world around us depends on that perspective.

I also mentioned that I had neighbors who despite our political differences, I knew would have my back if I needed them to be there; and last week it actually happened: I needed their help and they needed mine, and we were both there for each other, just like we always are.

Last Monday many of us in east central and northern Iowa experienced what was called a “land hurricane”—or a “derecho”—with winds 110 mph blowing steadily for nearly an hour in the worst locations.

It snapped trees and power lines all across the state—demolishing buildings like an F3 tornado. And there was little warning prior because frankly, most folks had never seen anything like it on land here before.

Of all the people in our small rural town, we were probably the best able to weather extended periods of power outage because we’d had a large propane generator-system installed a decade ago after a winter ice-storm power outage had kept us constantly babysitting our portable gasoline generator for three frigid days until power was restored.  

Our old portable gasoline generator-on-wheels (it’s a heavy beast) was pretty basic and limited in capability, but with a lot of personal effort to babysit it and every few hours to alternate power cords inside to different appliances within the house, it got us through the situation as it had in previous, less-lengthy ones. During the first 10 years of its existence here, we had been forced to use it many times, so it was a good investment at the time because over the decades, due to our rural location, we had relied on it because we had lost power on many occasions.

But after that grueling, mid-winter 3-day experience, we decided there had to be a better, more reliable solution to any future power outage here because we were getting too old for that labor-intensive BS; so the next summer we decided to have a large ‘whole-house propane generator’ installed for likewise ‘big bucks’.  (And after 6 solid days and nights of it running non-stop, we think it’s worth its weight in GOLD now. Best money spent EVER!)

So last week not only did our large propane generator operate dependably during the wind storm’s ferocity and for 6 days and nights after the storm’s remaining devastation (even though the generator’s electrical control box outer and inner metal covers had been ripped off by the wind, exposing the raw wiring to the rain before we could get it protected again after the storm blew through), we also still had the old portable gasoline generator as a backup system if necessary.

And we are very fortunate—our neighbors are great. We always look out for them and likewise they look out for us. On our acreage we had some storm damage to trees etc, but thankfully nothing to the house and out-buildings. After the second day of our cutting branches and gathering limbs for the burn pile, the neighbor guy saw us out there sweating away and  brought his chainsaw and his two teenage kids over to clear out the larger downed limbs for us—even hauled it away to the dump area for us.

And we in turn gave them our old sturdy, portable gasoline generator-on-wheels to give them greater power flexibility than the tiny generator that they were using—and told them to keep it—it is theirs now.  We also then helped them clear out their limbs and storm debris which they had stopped clearing away to help us.

That’s what neighbors do.  You help each other. You may not always agree on every aspect of neighbor concerns, but you do what you can for each other because someday, you might need it yourself.

It’s a ‘WEB OF LIFE’ thing. You might feel like you’re out there all by yourself in this big world, but if you looked closely, you’d see that gossamer strand exists between you and the ones closest to you. You are just one tiny droplet on that larger web, but you still are connected to every other droplet existing there in some invisible way.

In the big picture of existence, biased opinions and political inclinations mean very little to LIFE when your actual humanity and survival are at stake.

Look out for each other—BE THERE when others need you. And they will BE THERE for you! 

Because that’s what we do:  We care, share, and stick together!

Siwar Q’enti – The Royal Hummingbird

The image above may be of a Violet Sabrewing or a Costa Rican Hummingbird rather than a Peruvian Royal Hummer, but when I saw it staring back at me, I remembered that in Peruvian Shamanism the hummingbird (Siwar Q’enti) represented the North direction and embarking on the epic migratory journey while connecting into the Higher Realm for ancestral wisdom along the way—summoning both the confidence and the tiny bird’s stamina to face future unknowns with courage and grace.

Due to the unique figure-eight rotational manner of their wing flapping, hummers can hover in place for long periods of time, which is certainly what it feels like we are doing now.  They can also change direction in an eye-blink; flying instantly up, down, backward, forward, or ‘outta here’ without second thought.

And as enticing as ‘outta here’ sounds to many, it isn’t the true choice to make.

I then had the thought that according to the Quechua legend, if my ancestors, including my entire ancestral lineage throughout human history, could advise me now in our current global-pandemic situation, what might they possibly say? 

It could be, “Lineage-bearer, look to hummingbird for your future success:  Just keep moving those wings and you can take any direction that you need to take when the proper time arises.

Selective Viewing

Well, …maybe sometimes it IS what you look at, because that’s also a choice that we make daily.

And if you don’t want to completely lose what’s left of your sanity, you might not constantly watch the NEWS shows.

But depending on which NEWS channels that you DO watch, is likely how you tend to mentally frame the world around you.  So sometimes even within the world that we ALL inhabit, we individually may perceive different versions of reality by how a particular news channel’s news-worthy events are presented to the viewing public.

And even within my regional locale, I can witness “skewed versions of our shared reality,” and I find that fact absolutely mind blowing.  How can this be?

I ask myself: “How can you NOT see what I am seeing?” And, “Why can’t I see what YOU are seeing?”  Some of this makes NO sense to me—that huge amount of variance in perspective and opinion with people who live blocks apart.

I have neighbors and local friends of whom I love and trust—people that I know I can count on if I needed help or assistance—people I’ve known for years—that I know NOT to make ANY comments about the state of the nation or the world, or even comment on the governor’s current handling of the pandemic, because we are NOT of the same political inclination. So if you don’t want to lose the good relationships you’ve established over the years, then you just DON’T talk politics or even randomly comment on some administrative action, or you’ve just blown the good vibes that you once shared with them.

And that is VERY sad—especially with people you’ve known for a decade or longer.

But the bigger question really is: How can people—friends even—who live within a mile of each other have such different views of what is happening around them and who or what is responsible for it?

It’s true that we are all self-interested and that we tend to lean towards the view that best fits our own beliefs and our own economic benefits, but sometimes it’s a deeper issue of how we consider the world around us as basically “a good place” or basically “not-a-good place.”  It’s a lot like that overused “feed-the-wolf-you-want-to-see-and-be” analogy.

If you want to believe that the world is basically a good place, then you feed the ‘good-wolf’ belief and you’ll see only well-intentioned but misguided efforts to bring about a better world for ALL people; and if you want to believe the world is a cut-throat, bad place where you must constantly fight for your survival, then feed the ‘bad-wolf’ belief and that’s what you will see in your world—where everyone’s mission around you is to take you down.  

I know that sounds a bit paranoid, but honestly, some folks do believe this ‘bad-wolf’ scenario—even folks that I personally know.

And I keep wondering: “How can you believe this? What are you seeing that I’m not seeing?”

The really erroneous thing about the good-wolf/bad-wolf analogy is that wolves are pack hunters—they exist in groups. So the ‘lone wolf’ image is more a misnomer than accurate in real life. Wolves in a pack need each other to survive, so what affects one, affects ALL.

The pack works together, hunting for the survival of ALL members of the pack; meaning that if you find yourself as the “lone wolf” in this real-life wolf-scenario, then you’ve been ostracized from the pack for a pretty good reason.  Sometimes the reason may be a difference of ruling opinion or an ego-battle for supremacy and leadership of the group, but overall ‘lone-wolves’ don’t usually survive for long on their own in the natural world, which is why it is in everyone’s best interest in the pack to find a way to get along with each other—because you NEED each other.

I will admit that over the last few months I have stopped ‘following’ some of my Facebook friends because frankly I don’t want to know their political leanings, even if they are similar to my own.  What they often post are selective views that substantiate their own opinions and devalue the opinions of others—it’s simply “US vs. THEM” stuff.   Basically I think that “Which side are you on?” stance is deleterious to our shared vision and our unified efforts to create a better world for ALL of us.

Most of the offending statements I’ve encountered are FEAR-driven, even if they are merely automatically reacting to a FEAR-driven action or comment by someone in power.  FEAR is FEAR.  If you let that sense of “fear of the OTHER who is NOT US” rule your life, then all you do is feed that bad-wolf inside you, and you keep driving yourself further and further from the possibility of rejoining the pack.

It’s a strange time in our world right now—a time when we really need to work together to survive it.

So my suggestion is to maintain that ‘good-wolf’ viewpoint and work together for the best interest of ALL and for the survival of the total pack.

Please keep in mind that the world is what you make it, NOT what someone else tells you that it is.  And so is your neighborhood.  

Care, share, and stick together! And if you want good neighbors, then BE ONE.  

The Pains of Initiation

So far I’m not sure how to frame this year 2020—to attempt to put it into some comprehensible context for proper assessment. I mean what perspective can you use to wrap your arms around something this immensely prickly and caustic?

Assessing 2020 is like hugging a 30-foot tall saguaro cactus and hoping that you don’t get skewered with barbed spines.

Every morning when I awaken, I wonder “What will this day bring?” Which of course means multiple questions of: “What challenges, what blessings will this day provide?”; as well as “What inner resourcefulness will this day require of me?”

And then I, like everyone else in the world, get up and go about whatever I need to do to face all of those possibilities because that’s what we do—we just keep on keepin’ on—doing whatever we need to do to keep moving forward day by day, no matter what we may actually face.

That’s what you do in an “initiation”—shamanic or otherwise—you just endure the situation as best you can and keep moving forward until you reach the end of the test. If LIFE smacks you down, you get back up; and you keep getting back up no matter how many times it knocks you down because that is your only option to survive the ordeal.

If you give up the fight, you become last week’s road kill.  Period.  That’s how bad true shamanic initiations can be.

So this morning I see Alberto addressed the issue per his own perspective, which is as a collective shamanic initiation, and in many ways I do agree with him.

Here is his take on 2020.

“This is a familiar theme in the legends of shamanic initiation, where you face death, overcome loss, and respond to your calling in a new and greater way, until it becomes truth.”  Alberto Villoldo, PhD, in A Shaman’s Miraculous Tools for Healing

“2020 Jul 14 — A Higher Calling    by Dr. Alberto Villoldo

The effects of racism, oppression, illness, climate disaster and possible extinction seem to swirl around us as we travel together on this blue-green orb hurling through deep space.  We have awakened to a world both familiar and unfamiliar in the intensity of all that has happened in 2020, and find that we are in a great collective grieving process. We are challenged to find how to be ever more resilient in responding to our calling for creating a new world, one that has the potential to break free of the nightmare of the past.  …

…As shamans we experience and feel the pain and sorrow, the joys and fears, the highs and lows and yet remain the resilient ones, the wisdom keepers, the luminous warriors. As shamans we know that the health and wellness of each one of us depends upon the health of the entire planet. This includes all people of all races and ethnic backgrounds, all plants and animals and all of life.  How can we continue to be resilient even as it seems that events are reaching critical mass, that everyone around us seems to be filled with disillusionment, depression, discouragement, and anger?  

These are the times we go back to our roots, to remembering we belong to the earth and the earth is beseeching us to raise our consciousness so that we can create a better world for us and for our children. We also belong to the universe, so we visit the realms of our ancestors and our children’s children and dream big dreams of peace and harmony, freedom and independence for all beings, and invite those around us who are lost in despair to join us in sacred dreams

Standing in the middle of the darkness we stay focused and in the moment so that we can be the calm center of the storm, so that we stay connected to spirit and vision. We share the light we have cultivated with our spiritual practices. We honor natural wonders such as rivers, lakes, mountains and in so doing reinvigorate the energy of the land.  We renew the energy of our communities by creating ceremonies to remind us that life will go on. …

We are the ones we have been waiting for: the ones who can replace anger with healing and despair with hope.  The ones who sit in the light and ask – what can I do today to create community? How can I reach out to someone outside my own circle? How can I connect with joy? And say YES as we respond to our calling in a new and greater way.”


The Moon

Tao & Zen

The moon does not fight.

It attacks no one.

It does not worry.

It does not try to crush others.

It keeps to its course,

but by its very nature, it gently influences.

What other body could pull

an entire ocean from shore to shore?

The moon is faithful to its nature,

and its power is never diminished.

~ Deng Ming-Dao ~”

Something about a full moon really mesmerizes me. Always has.

So when I saw the image above and read the sentiment in the poem, I physically felt the deeper significance behind the metaphor expressed—I took a deep breath and felt at peace with myself. 

Then I realized that much of our lives we automatically shift comprehension focus between the literal and the symbolic—from the left brain to the right—and assume that everyone around us perceives and understands the significance of every aspect of this LIFE in the same way that we do; but of course, that is NOT true—we don’t ALL understand every aspect of LIFE in the same way because we don’t all share the same perspective on much of anything.

Before my early explorations began into the world around me, I was full of questions and assumed that there were actual ANSWERS available to those personal puzzlements; it was simply a matter of time before I found them.

Now of course I know that there are always acceptable answers available to us for whatever time period that we traverse, but those answers may not be anything other than relative to our own perspectives and our longevity in this plane of existence.  Answers are always relative.

In fact, finding answers isn’t really the most important part of our personal explorations—the questions themselves that arise within us are.

On Raising Your Vibration

Either I’m getting lazier or folks that I follow are saying it better than I can.

This quote (from today) is from the crystal bowl ‘Sound Guy’, Ben Carroll, who I mentioned in the Cymatics post awhile back.  He offers good explanations on ‘vibrations’ in general and especially on what it means to ‘raise your vibration’ (per your level of consciousness).

And of course he talks a bit about the subject of BELIEFS, which are keys to better understanding our own and each other’s behaviors.


“’Raise Your Vibration’ is something that we hear a lot, but that is a pretty broad statement. What is your vibration? How do we come to the conclusion that some vibrations are higher than others? In sound or light that is easy to tell, we can measure the wavelength. Can we measure the wavelength of our level consciousness? I think we all intuitively know that love is a higher vibration then hate, and that kindness and compassion in action serves us to raise our vibration. That seems to be universally accepted whether we choose to live that way or not.

I believe that we all intuitively know if an action will serve to raise or lower our vibration, but at the same time we all function from within a sort of accumulated comfort zone. We all carry around remnants of traumas from the past. We all carry around beliefs about ourselves that have been programmed into us. We all carry around beliefs instilled into us by our society’s standards. A lot of this can be running on the subconscious level affecting us in unseen ways and affecting our decisions.

These small pieces are not who we truly are. Our true selves, our higher selves, are always there as well behind the wall of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and programming. Pure Consciousness. Deep awareness. Infinite connection. That is who we are.

How do we tear down that wall to be able to experience ourselves in our truest form? There have been many teachings on this from many different peoples and traditions. I find that sound is a great ally in this. Sound helps us to slip down past our busy minds, perhaps even down past our deepest programmed beliefs, so that we can access a pure level of consciousness. When we find ways to set down all of that other stuff, even temporarily, we can access our infinite awareness and our deeply connected intuition. Even short periods of connection at this level can bring great change within. Remembering.

What works for you?”    Ben Carroll

True Empowerment

Yeah, what he said.


“We should be brave enough to contemplate our lives, do what we thought was “outside the box,” and do it repeatedly. When we do that, we are on our way to a greater level of personal power.⁣

True empowerment comes when we start to look deeply at our beliefs. We may find their roots in the conditioning of religion, culture, society, education, family, the media, and even our genes (the latter being imprinted by the sensory experiences of our current lives, as well as untold generations). Then we weigh those old ideas against some new paradigms that may serve us better.⁣

Times are changing. As individuals awaken to a greater reality, we are part of a much larger sea change. Our current systems and models of reality are breaking down, and it is time for something new to emerge. Across the board, our models for politics, economics, religion, science, education, medicine, and our relationship with the environment are all showing a different landscape than just ten years ago.⁣

Letting go of the outmoded and embracing the new sounds easy. But much of what we have learned and experienced has been incorporated into our biological “self,” and we wear it like a garment. But we also know that what is true today might not be true tomorrow. Just as we have come to question our perception of atoms as solid pieces of matter, reality and our interaction with it is a progression of ideas and beliefs.⁣

We also know that to leave the familiar life that we have grown accustomed to and waltz into something new is like a salmon swimming upstream: it takes effort—and, frankly, it’s uncomfortable. And to top it off, ridicule, marginalization, opposition, and denigration from those who cling to what they think they know greet us along the way.⁣

Who, with such an unconventional bent, is willing to meet such adversity in the name of some concept they cannot embrace with their senses, yet which is alive in their minds? How many times in history have individuals who were considered heretics and fools, and thus took the abuse of the unexceptional, emerged as geniuses, saints, or masters? Will you dare to be an original?”

“Beyond the Walls of Belief”

Resonance Science Foundation

 “You are not controlled by your genes. You are controlled by your beliefs.” – Bruce Lipton

I have one of Lipton’s books, The Biology of Belief, which was interesting at the time published, and which to me seemed to be a precursor to much of what Dr. Joe Dispenza presently teaches now: The thoughts you hold in your mind are the realities that you ultimately create. Or what you believe about the world and about yourself interacting with that world is what you call into being in your life—it is what you manifest with your creative energies.

Meaning that if your thoughts are limiting, your immediate world will seem limited.  And if your thoughts are expansive, your immediate world will seem expansive; along with the possibilities for such a vast, untamed world existing in your imagination that is where and HOW life will unfold for you—from your world view to your self-image—wherever you put your energy and your emotion is how your LIFE will manifest.  At least that’s the theory.


So as long as you are thinking good, loving, nurturing thoughts, then the world will likewise follow suit; well, …it will except when it doesn’t—except when your life intersects with others who are thinking not-so-nice thoughts about themselves, about you and about the rest of the world. Then things can get a little dicey for all involved because we’re all in this together, you know.

Can we avoid those not-so-nice thinkers?

Maybe sometimes we can, but when we can’t and LIFE turns not-so-nice for us as well. Then what can we do? How can we handle not-so-nice in our own life?

I mentioned previously I would list a few techniques that are ways to release fear and anger energies, or to better deal with unresolved trauma issues, or to just get a better handle on our lives in general—things I’ve learned over the years or mention some books that might help to read.

Some of the best reference books I’ve found have often been within the referenced footnotes of other books that cite another author’s thoughts and techniques. Example: Through my hypnosis study, came the NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) references from Bandler and Grinder, then the Andreas, and a few others.

One of the most amazing books I’ve run across is the Connirae & Tamara Andreas book on Core Transformation: Reaching the Wellspring WithinIt’s a great read on how to transform our personal beliefs—particularly the unconscious ones that run our daily scripts on how we view our lives.  It’s one of those drill-down exercises on getting to the heart of the matter of how and why we are doing whatever we are doing in our lives.

Another good info source on how to view and treat trauma, comes from Bill O’Hanlon, called Quick Steps to Resolving Trauma.  Lots of good material to consider in that book, and it’s an easy, to-the-point read on how to view traumatic experiences—‘how to successfully move through traumatic experiences and come out the other side of them’ sort of read.

From O’Hanlon as well as others, I’d read about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which were effective techniques developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro for releasing stuck trauma energies/memories from the mid-point of the brain so they can be fully processed by the higher brain. It involves a form of bilateral brain stimulation where you bring up the uncomfortable situation/memory and then move your eyes quickly left-to-right-to-left, etc. back and forth for 15 to 20 times, which forces the brain to shift the stuck energy out of the mid-brain  region and reduces the emotional impact of the memory.  It is very effective, especially on many forms of PTSD.  Another good book on this is by Jamie Marich, EMDR Made Simple.

O’Hanlon also mentions ‘Tapping,’ which I’d heard of through other sources as well, and similar to the bilateral brain stimulation of EMDR, has similar ‘lessening the emotional intensity’ effects of memories and emotions.  Here’s a book that I have on it:  TAPPING IN: A Step-BY-Step Guide to Activating Your Healing Resources Through Bilateral Stimulation, by Laurel Parnell. PhD.  It’s pretty straight forward and easily followed.

One helpful technique that I use repeatedly (sometimes daily) is the energy-release statements combined with 3 strong exhalations to blow out the intense energies and emotions.  Sounds too simple to be effective, but it really is helpful to shift a strong emotion that has a grip on you like sadness or anger.  You simply say, “I release the energies of ______ (fear, anger, resentment, sadness, anxiety, guilt, etc.), over this situation with __________ (name the person or situation). I release those energies now. They do not serve me.”  And blow out hard 3 times.   Keep doing it until the emotion lifts or you are in better control of it.  

And one last thing I will mention on this subject: What I’ve found with my REIKI clients is that people tend to hold a certain intense emotion/energy in specific locations of their body (likely depends on what was physically happening to them at the time that this emotion first cemented itself into their body).  And that unreleased emotional energy can over time create physical issues like intense pain or illness in certain body parts.

When I had a client who held pain in a certain area of their body, and when I was working energetically over that area, I would often get visuals in my mind of a possible unresolved issue with someone or something, so I would ask the client if this particular person or situation I was seeing meant something specific to them because the source of their pain seemed to have some direct correlation to that person or thing.

If the client could recognize the correlation and could do the energy-releasing statements and blow outs, I could often feel the energetic block release from that location, and then shift out of their body.  So the body tends to hold emotional trauma as well as does the mind.  

These are a few techniques that I’ve discovered over the years that have helped me personally as well as helped my clients.   Hopefully they can benefit you as well.  

Healing the Wounds of Abandonment

This morning I was trying to clean off old documents/folders from my computer desktop screen—trashing the stuff that no longer applied or that I simply needed to let go, and I came to a document where I had copied the intro and start of Chapter One from my intended, but never written, fourth HONORING THE HERMIT book called HEALING THE WOUNDED SPIRIT.

I had said in THIS blog previously (“The Card Said WRITE”), that I had tried to write the book—but it just wouldn’t come out, meaning that I probably wasn’t ready to write it back then (2004), because evidently I hadn’t lived enough of LIFE at that point to claim proper knowledge of the subject matter.

So today when I saw the 3-page document mentioned I started to simply trash it, but stopped myself until I reviewed the contents because something unseen there still had a pull on me.  

I, like everyone else, have been going through these unseen energetic cleanses (the ‘chaos energies’ bombarding us now) that are plaguing our collective unconsciousness at present.  They bring up lots and lots of OLD memories—OLD emotional wounds—OLD longings and losses—lots of stuff we’d rather not revisit now or EVER.

But like it or not, all that long-buried ‘painful stuff’ is coming to the surface now, no matter how much we wish that it wouldn’t, because it’s probably time for it to do so.

I liken this ‘energetic cleansing’ effect to what my REIKI students (as well as I, myself) go through after REIKI TWO attunements—the emotional/mental body ‘deep cleansing’ that occurs when the higher-frequency REIKI energies begin penetrating deeply into our energy fields and start releasing all those long-buried energy packets of emotions and memories that we thought we’d so successfully stashed deep inside us—never to face again.

I warn my students that for the year following the REIKI TWO attunements, all that OLD stuff that we’d filed away so long ago, will start to resurface with NEW intensity, and it will refuse to be stuffed back inside again, so you might as well let it rise and take a good, long look at it, and then intentionally LET IT GO!  DEAL WITH IT NOW!  Don’t try to avoid the pain, because it isn’t going to leave you completely until you address it and release the energy from it that you are still holding on to—even if unintentionally.

So today when I reread that 2004 short start to Chapter One, I nodded that yes, this IS what I personally had been feeling—it’s the ABANDONMENT issues resurfacing—from both sides of the coin—the personal pain from being the one “abandoned,” as well as the flip-side situation, which is the still-lingering sense of guilt that plagues the “abandoner” (if the abandoner is at all empathetic).

Here’s the beginning of the “ABANDONMENT” section from HEALING THE WOUNDED SPIRIT that I wrote in 2004:

“Chapter 1 

Recently I contacted an old friend and co-worker. She and I hadn’t been in touch since I had quit the company to go out on my own four years ago. In the process of catching up on what had happened to each of us during that time period, I discovered that the sagging economy had played havoc with her life as it had with my own. She made a simple statement about her last year of work there, including a five-month lay-off that stuck a vein of gold with me: ‘Certainly was an interesting year and quite the learning experience.’

Yes, I nodded in full recognition, that’s how we assimilate LIFE—through what we are forced to endure—through how we learn to survive—and even by seeing who sticks by us during the bad times—and who deserts us.

When life is treating us royally, we feel no pain. It is during the difficult, stressful times and relationships for us that we receive the deepest wounds to our spirit. It is when we must fight to survive a situation that we view the worst in others and often express it ourselves to them.

Think about the circumstances of losing a job. What is it that makes us expendable to others? How can they so easily rid themselves of us? Are we worth so little to them that they can toss us aside?

What if leaving the job was our own choice? Why would we quit? What were our reasons for working in that job to begin with that now no longer apply, that we can so easily leave it—in effect, abandoning our post?

How about a previous relationship? What happened there? Did you break it off? Did the other person leave? How many “previous” relationships have you had? Were you the abandoned one or the abandoner?

Though each of these abandoned/abandoner issues we create deep wounds—psychological and emotional wounds that force the abandoned one to question why he could be so easily left behind; as well as wounds that create unrelenting guilt for the abandoning of another—for leaving, for reneging on our responsibility to another person for whom we once cared deeply.

I’ve been in both situations. I’ve been the one left behind and I’ve been the one who left. There’s a different type of pain to each of them. Guilt over leaving someone is a nagging, gnawing sensation that never seems to leave you alone, but the pain of being abandoned is far worse and more severely felt within the heart than even a deep sense of guilt can produce.

I’m not sure we ever really heal the wound that abandonment causes without some kind of emotional/psychological scarring because it makes us question our worth as human beings. It makes us question ourselves for existing. It even makes us doubt ourselves, wondering what we might have done differently to have prevented such a painful departure—how we might have been a better person or been a better partner, or been more interesting or more fun to be with, or a better provider, or a better lover, etc. What could we have done differently? Why was it that ‘who we were,’ was not good enough?…”


So….. when I read that short book blurb from 2004 this morning, it hit all my trigger points to my recent now-surfacing painful memories, and I realized that I’m likely not the only one feeling these confusing emotions right now that seem based in a time long, long ago—emotions based on memories and pain that I thought I’d finally come to terms with way back then and had learned to simply accept as aspects of LIFE.

Hmmm, …or maybe not.  Maybe we’re not meant to accept painful emotions in that manner. Maybe they are just there as a ‘reference.’  Very unpleasant reference material, I’d say, but still, it shapes our knowledgebase in a unique way.  It provides us a comparative sense of empathy for what others might be feeling in similar circumstances.

And at least I know from my own current mental gyrations, it certainly makes you acutely aware that abandonment, from either side of the coin, is not something you can take lightly. It could perhaps, given isolated circumstances, even destroy a more fragile psyche.

If you don’t have strong, mental underpinnings to survive a deep emotional loss, I have no doubt that it could take you down—if not permanently, then for an extended time of regrouping and refocusing until you are on your feet again.  That’s how strongly our emotions rule our lives.

That’s why many who are going through deep emotional loss are often ANGRY all the time. They are angry because ‘anger’ is a refocusing agent.  It’s a compensator.  Being angry and directing that furious inner venom at ‘someone’, especially at the one who hurt you, keeps you from falling apart—both mentally and emotionally. 

I get it. I’ve been there.  But when you can finally reach a safe space where you can look behind the intensity of that inner fury—when you can look more closely at that uncontrollable, raging anger directed at the one who abandoned you, you will likely find only a bottomless pit of sadness and pain—which are emotions that make us the most vulnerable—like we were as children—powerless and at the mercy of others; and the one thing that we DON’T want to be at that critical moment of our current life is VULNERABLE.  Period!  So instead we mask our weakness, our vulnerability, with the most powerful emotion in our arsenal—ANGER!

And through the intensity of that anger, we regain our power—it gives us the energy force that keeps us going.  Anger fuels our thoughts and our actions—it gives us a sense of purpose—which is likely a masked VENGENCE type of purpose—but still, it’s a reason to move forward with our lives rather than crawling around, crying and moaning on the floor, which is what we may feel like doing instead. 

Anger, the overwhelming force of power and dominance for life on earth, gives us the WILL to survive.

But in truth, ANGER only keeps us from temporarily falling apart, because we still have to deal with the true emotions of sadness and pain that we are actually feeling, or they will haunt us like that nightly, recurring heartburn—it’s always there when we lie down to sleep—always about to make us sick if we don’t counter the nauseous effect with something to lessen its grip on us.

ANGER is often the fall-back, default mode we slide into when we are feeling vulnerable. But for many valid reasons, being continually angry is not a good way to live your life.  It can destroy your health and your other current relationships.

And when an entire collective consciousness is angry, it makes for major societal upheaval, which is what we are experiencing now.


Anyway, enough on this lengthy diatribe for today.  What I intend to do in the future here is to list and explain some books and  techniques that I’ve learned on how to deal with these now-surfacing strong emotions/memories that are can be so difficult to successfully handle.

Over the years I’ve found some helpful techniques I will share here that can help you shift your energies higher by releasing the nasty old stuff that has refused to let you go.  

So at present, if you also are feeling the ‘anger-energies’ or ‘deep sadness feelings’ that I mentioned above, hang in there. You are not alone in this. I’ll show you some techniques that can help you to better deal with it.  


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