Here is my recognition of those lingering ‘between-the-ears’ reverberations from when I’ve truly annoyed myself over something that I was thinking at the time or worse, over an unpleasant ‘something’ that I actually did: ‘Gosh, can I blame all my short-comings on someone other than me, because then I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty and inadequate for having them ?’
A brief attempt at taking ownership of said repulsive thought or action: ‘Unfortunately those lesser personal attributes and annoying peculiarities in my personality are truly mine and I am taking ownership of them in their entirety. Well, sort of, I guess. Maybe I don’t want to take ownership of ALL of them. Maybe they’re not ALL my fault.’
Second attempt at taking ownership: ‘I still may not like what I do when those lesser traits surface from their hidden depths—like my impatience or my occasional temper loss—but I can acknowledge them as something that I simply have to accept about myself and live with—at least until those lesser personality aspects miraculously lift away from my luminous spirit once I’m an “enlightened being.” HA!‘
Thankfully I can still laugh at myself for the actual thoughts that do pass through my mind. I don’t necessarily LIKE them when they veer from my intended life direction but I can’t deny thinking them, because self-honesty is key to truly understanding and accepting ourselves just as we are—even in our most unpleasant imperfections.
And maybe we are all similar in that ‘inner dissatisfaction with who and what we appear to be.’ Maybe THAT is an aspect of our basic humanity—the constant striving for something better than our current condition, combined with the occasional failure to align with our best intentions. Maybe that is what keeps it so REAL for us; rather than our slipping into a mental fantasy created to support ourselves during difficult situations or periods in our life.
Hey I’ve been there—I’ve done that. When you are going through a really bad time, the fantasy-life world you create works for a while—at least until it doesn’t. Then the only thing that WILL work for you is to make an actual LIFE CHANGE. And no matter how necessary it might be to make that crucial change, it is still very hard to do.
In truth none of us are as perfect as we often wish that we were. We aren’t as smart, or as good-looking, or as clever, or as witty, or as rich, or as compassionate, or as understanding, OR we simply aren’t where we thought that we would be by now at this point in our lives.
Instead we are simply right here—right now—just being us; and that US always seems to have a much longer way to go to prove to the world that we deserve its unconditional love, along with all those other good things that may possibly come our way.
We know that we deserve to be treated with respect and appreciation—we know this—it’s a rational consideration for living in a civilized society. But that ‘actual sense of being respected and appreciated by others’ may not be what we are feeling at the time. And as we are all too painfully aware, FEELINGS can often overpower RATIONAL THOUGHTS.
Here are a few more mental reverberations from my original self-assessment above (except for some obviously self-justifying reason, I pluralized it): ‘We know that we deserve good things happening for us because we are good beings at heart—we are good people who care about others. Well, maybe we don’t care as much about others as we may care about ourselves, but still…., that doesn’t make us BAD people does it? Isn’t a little self-focus necessary sometimes?’
Ah yes. A little truth quickly followed by an attempt to reduce the self-blame. That sounds about right. That’s how MY mind works. There’s NO wounded EGO in my wheelhouse. But hey, that is ME—that’s WHO I am.
Taking ownership of our lesser aspects without trying so hard to separate the entirety of our being into GOOD and BAD actors battling for control over our daily lives, is NOT easily done. We may aspire to higher ideals—we may work towards providing more compassionate responses to the discomforts and cruelties that we often see around us, but sometimes we are simply who we are in our own little worlds—just trying to keep our own heads above the water and trying so hard to make some kind of sense out of so much senselessness wherever we look.
We are right here—right now—just doing the best that we can in our own ways. It may not be a perfect effort in that respect, but we ARE making AN EFFORT to do better in and for this world.
So please lighten up on yourselves. None of us may be exactly where we wish that we were at this stage of our human-consciousness evolution, but we are at least aware of our potentials for improvement, even as we try to accept our present ‘glaring’ imperfections with more grace, humor, and self-forgiveness.